The Vortex Effect

1. When calling any company in the U.S. that is answered by an automated phone system, the options have always recently changed. Who the fuck is changing all of these options? Is the phone system and extension numbers at your company/place of business changing month to month? I’ve worked at companies big and small, from 1 year stints to 3 year stints and never had my extension change and yet, apparently, ‘the options’ used to reach me or anyone employed by a corporation are constantly changing for no reason whatsoever.

2. Receptionists and Admin Assistants must kid themselves everyday that they are not going to hell. These woman, who probably go home and tell their kids to never lie, be good citizens and act politely, do nothing but lie to people ALL DAY LONG. Just one after the other. He’s in a meeting. He’s not in today. He’s on a phone call. All of these and more are said when you know damn well that most likely, thats what they say to anyone but the guys wife. And then, there’s the ridiculous scene I have to act out time and time again as, after I ask for an executive, the receptionist says "and your name? and you are with?", then the obligatory pause, as if she’s checking to see if he’s available when in actuality she’s just sitting there, filing her nails, and then the "I’m sorry, he’s in a meeting." You’re his fucking secretary, bitch. You’re telling me you don’t know his daily calendar and couldn’t just tell me straight out that he was busy. It’s not that I don’t get to talk to the executive that pisses me off, it’s the fact that I have to play this SAME DAMN GAME everytime I call one of these assholes.
Another one of my favorites is when I ask for an executive, the receptionist tells me "Oh, he’s no longer with the company", I respond "Well, can I please be connected to his replacement?" and they say " I’m sorry, sir, I can’t transfer you to anyone without a name." If I knew his name, I’d have asked for him to begin with and not the guy he replaced, you FUCKING SMARTASS LYING WHORE!!!!

3. Voicemail is a waste of time. Never leave a voicemail for someone unless you’re a friend or family. Most people just delete a voicemail immediately if they don’t know who you are.

4. The world is a cruel lonely place and we will all die alone.

5. Just a quick add, I literally just had this happen to me:
ME: Yes, Can I please speak to Ed.
ADMIN: He’s on another phone call right now. Can I take a message?
ME: Well, is it possible to leave him a voicemail?
ADMIN: (weird pause)…well, then it would ring in his office (nervous laugh)
ME: I thought you said he was on a call.
ADMIN: (in a now obvious pissed-off tone because she realized she fucked up) SIR, do you want to leave a message with me?
ME: No.

FUCK ALL SECRETARIES. FUCK YOU ALL.

For all of those secretaries/admins/receptionists who don’t fall into the above categories, now you’re just lying to yourself.

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