The Vortex Effect

So, as some of you may or may not know, I happen to be a person who enjoys to play games on my PC. If you’re not familiar with the cost of PC games, just know that the average new game goes for about $50 and a game that has been out for more than 6 months ussually goes for about $40 ($30 if there’s a really good sale.) Anyway, after one has completed a game, unless it has some sort of really good online component (like Battlefield 2 or Counterstrike:Source) its usefulness drops to nothing and it lies on a shelf somewhere. I decided it was time that I join the masses and start selling some of my used games online to fund my game habit. Sort of like a drug dealer who uses his product. (And, as we all know from the movies, that is not a good idea.) Anyway, I wasn’t sure whether I should sell the games on ebay or some other site, when a coworker mentioned Half.com to me. I wasn’t really familiar with Half.com, all I knew was that Ebay had bought the company and they were a straight sale (no auction) for things like DVD’s, games and other such things. Figuring that any company associated with Ebay would be fine, I listed my first game (which, to the site’s credit, is unbelievably easy) and waited for a response.

   I didn’t need to wait long. Within a day, I had made a sale. The automated email from half.com let me know that I needed to send my game within the next couple of days or else I wouldn’t get my money. I packaged the game up, bubble-wrapped it, and sent it out. My money would be credited directly to my bank account and all would be well with the world. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

   A week later, I received an email through Half.com. Not from Half.com, through it. The letter is below minus any of the personal details….

This email was sent by a Half.com member via Half.com’s email forwarding system. If you reply to this email, your response will go directly to the member and not through Half.com.

You have received a question/comment from member X concerning the Half.com transaction ########.

Reason: The item was not in the promised condition.
Comment/ Question:I’ve attempted to install this game three times,and everytime it stops at the same spot on the second disc. There’s a small scratch on the disc that is probably causing the problem.

Please issue a refund for $32.48 to my credit card. If you want me to return the game, please include $2.00 for return shipping and let me know your shipping address.

Thank you,
Ryan

RYAN (What I Imagined He Looks Like)

Now, this was a bit confusing to me, as I had inspected the game discs before sending them out and they were pristine. In fact, I had only actually used the game once and it installed flawlessly. Immediately, the usually justified paranoia I inherited from my Dad took over and I theorized that the guy had ordered the game, received it, used some sort of game copying software to copy the discs (easily procured on the Internet) and now wanted to send the game back to me, get a refund and on top of that, charge me $2 so that I could get my supposedly broken game back. In addition to this, I wouldn’t be refunded half.com’s commission on the original sale which meant that I would be spending in total $8 so that this jerk could scam me? FUCK THAT. Below is my reply to his email:

Ryan,
I am sorry but there is no scratch on those cds. When I installed them on my PC, they worked flawlessly. As advertised, the discs were in pristine condition when they arrived to you. I checked each one personally before packing the discs. Therefore, I will not issue a refund to you. Sorry.

I thought this response would cover the bases. Yes, I did basically call him a liar without spelling it out, but I did apologize. Twice. And that’s what counts. Right? Here is his reply to my heartfelt refund rejection…

Yes you will.

Another version of my friend, Ryan

That’s it. No name at the end, no ‘I understand your position but…’ not even a ‘Thank you for apologizing to my sorry ass twice." Shameful. Its just shameful. Thus came my retort to his three word opus, and I think you’ll see that I was still trying to play the part of the helpful but regretfully unable to help you kind sir part.

No, I won’t. As I stated previously, the game worked perfectly on my system. If you are really having trouble with the game and this isn’t just a way for you to copy the discs and then try to recieve a refund of your money, I would recommend packing the game up and bringing it to a local retailer for an exchange. Have a great holiday!!!!

Notice the well wishing of the giving season. Although I was 99% sure that this guy was either a scam artist or the village idiot, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and informed him of this wonderful thing they have called returns. This way if the 1% option was true and he had somehow accidentally scratched the disc himself, he could go to some nearby store and just say he lost the receipt and get an even exchange. Problem solved. Or was it? Ryan’s next email forced me to look deep into my dark heartless soul and see it for what it was…

Of course you would recommend that I pack the game up and lie to to a local retailer to get an exchange. That’s because youre a dishonest crook whose honor is worth less than $30. But either way, as I said, you will refund this. You’re obviously not familiar with half.com’s buyer protection policy.

My Buddy, Ryan

That one shook me to the bone. I remember thinking "Oh my God, what have I become….my life is a hollow lie. Someone give me my due and disembowel me before another poor soul accidentally interacts with my rat-like existence.’ Then I laughed loudly and threw another infant into my ‘Baby Stew.’  Of course, he was right on one count. I wasn’t familiar with half.com’s buyer protection policy. Unfortunately, for him, neither was he. I won’t bore you with the long gobbledygook legalese in their terms and conditions, but it read something like this:

THE BUYER HAS NO RIGHTS.

Ok, so it said more than that but essentially. the ‘Buyer Protection Policy’ forces one to go through a long arduous complaint process whereby half.com needs to investigate the claim and file statements and bla bla bla. In other words, you’d be better off showing up at the offices with Mr. T at your side than waiting for that dream to come true. Come to think of it, you’d be better off showing up anywhere with Mr. T. Mr. T is awesome. And much like Mr. T, I also pity the fool.

Anyway, seeing that I had let this bizarre exchange go on for far too long, I decided to end it with one last email…

Ryan,

You believe what you want to believe. I am not a crook. The game worked 100% when it left my possession. I have never used half.com to sell video games before, only to buy. I have a strong suspicion that you are the crook in this scenario and you are trying to get around the system by burning a copy of the game, scratching the game disc yourself and then claiming it was sent to you like that and demanding a refund. So, please, go right ahead and attempt to secure a refund through half.com, believe me, I’m not going to cry over $30 if I do have to refund you the money. I’m certainly not going to refund the money to you willingly. However, I will be leaving a warning to other sellers in your feedback letting them know that you are a scam artist.  I have no intention of responding to your emails after this, instead I will wait to hear from Half.com personally. Goodbye.

Do you hear that, Ryan? That’s the sound of your only exchange with someone about something other than Dungeons and Dragons breathing its last breath. Say goodbye. Goodbye, Ryan, my honorable knight in shining commerce. Oh, but I kid.

Now, this all took place in late November and early December. The week before Christmas, I received a package in the mail. From Ryan. I actually listened to it to see if it was ticking. I have to say I had never done that before so kudos, Ryan, you did scare me there for a bit. No ticking, so I opened it up. It was my game. No note, no ‘here’s your broken game, you cowardly man-child.’ Nothing. The box was a bit crumpled but the game was just the way I sent it. Later that night, I stuck the discs in and started the install. 10 minutes later the game was installed and working on my machine. What a douchebag. My honor is fully intact.

EPILOGUE: Several weeks before Christmas I listed another game in the PC games section for sale and received confirmation of a purchase several hours later. I sent the game out before the holidays and forgot all about it. January 2nd I receieved this email:

Reason: I received the wrong item.
Comment/ Question: I thought I ordered the Playstation 2 game, however,
I received the PC version. Is there any way we could exchange it for the
PS2? I would really appreciate any help. This was a Christmas gift.
Sincerely,
Laura

Perhaps she should read the buyer protection policy. Do you happen to know Mr. T, by any chance?

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