The Vortex Effect

So, one of the biggest PC games out right now is a MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) called World of Warcraft. For the uninitiated, in WOW, you play as one of 8 different races of creatures, 4 of which make up the Alliance (the good guys) and the Horde (the bad guys.) In addition, each creature gets to pick out of around 4 professions ranging from Warrior to Sorcerer to Hunter to Priest, etc, etc… In other words, a Dungeons and Dragons clone played online.

Now, people really like this game. I mean, a lot. Some people play it 8, 10, 24, 48 hours at a time. In fact, some players have actually died of malnutrition at their computers because they refused to leave the ‘World of Warcraft.” Just recently, the game company who makes WOW was sued by parents of a Chinese 13 year old who jumped out of a 24 story building after finishing a marathon session within the gameworld. Now, I’m not sure why he did that nor would I really blame the game company but being the messed-up video-game enthusiast that I am, I decided to take advantage of a 14 day trial that came in my recent issue of Wired and tempt ‘death by World of Warcraft.’ I can’t say I truly took advantage of the full 14 days, in fact, I played for about an hour and half. After that hour and half, I am left with but one question…. What in the hell am I missing? Is there some part of the game that I’m not getting because I don’t have 50 other friends who play or because I only got up to 5th level? Is there some DNA that I don’t have that many other people do that glues them to their keyboard for hours trying to level up or combine herbs to make a potion while their actual lifeforce seeps out of them until they breath their last. Seriously, folks, what am I missing?

Ok, that was more than 1 question. I apologize. But help me out, for Gods sake. Think of it this way. What if you were hired to do a job filling out paperwork? Real pointless drudgery work that anyone could do with little or no brainpower. You arrive at work in the morning and your boss tells you “I want you to fill out 15 of these forms. When you finish them, bring them back to me, and I will give you this neat pen.” So, you go off and after about a half hour, you bring the 15 forms back to him. He hands you the neat pen so you take it and want to use it right away. So, you go to write a letter to a friend and DOH! The pen won’t write. Then you realize that on the pen is written ‘Will not work for any Form-filler under Level 4.’ So you put it in your pocket and go back to your boss. Your boss looks at you and says “You know, we have these other forms here that need filling out, but they’re 50 miles away. Go out and complete 20 of these forms and I will give you a glove to help you avoid a wrist cramp.” So, you travel 50 miles and fill out 50 forms, which, by the way are scattered across the suburbs in different satellite offices, you travel back and 2 hours later, you get back to your boss. He looks at you and says ‘Here you go.” You put on the glove. Now you can write 1% faster. So, you look at your boss and say “What can I do now?” And your boss looks you straight in the eye and says ‘Well, my boss needs a few forms filled out. Now that you know what you’re doing, why don’t you go ask him for a new task?” So, you walk over to the boss’s boss and proud of your achievements, you ask “What can I do now?” The boss’s boss looks you over and says “There are 30 forms needing to be filled out hidden in the forest. Go find them, fill them out and come back here. However, some of the forms will self-destruct after you fill them out so you may have to fill out more than 30.” So, you go the forest and look for forms and……oh wait, are you bored of this? Is this a boring story? OF COURSE IT IS. It is FUCKING BORING BEYOND BELIEF. This is basically what you do in World of Warcraft, save that, instead of filling out forms, you’re killing the same mountain lion 30 times or killing a Wild Boar 15 times and bringing pelts back or eggs or feathers or whatever other nonsense they want you to take back. AND IT TAKES HOURS!!!!! HOURS!!! It would be one thing if you could actually control your character during the battles, aiming and shooting yourself but no, this is a role-playing game, so the extent of your interaction is simply clicking a button called ‘Swing’ or “Heavy Swing’ and sitting back while the computer calculates some ridiculous numbers and decides that you do 6 damage or 18 damage. Inevitably, the creature dies and then you pillage the body for a feather. Nice. That’s worth $15 a month right there.

Hey, look everybody, I’m a mis-shapen zombie bull and I’ve got 14 feathers in my backpack! I just need to kill one more Swamp Ostrich and I can get myself armored pants. Whoop-de-fuckin-doo! Hey Look at me I’m a level 35 Elf Hunter and I’m sitting in the middle of a city doing the moonwalk! Yippeeee! Please tell me I am not the only one mind-boggled about this. That’s right, my mind is completely boggled. I need an un-boggling procedure immediately. Does anyone have a swamp ostrich feather I can use to un-boggle my mind? If so, I can give you this copper shinguard!

So, I guess the only question I’ve really answered is why someone might throw themselves out the 24th floor window. Lack of swamp ostrich feathers. Case closed.

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