The Vortex Effect

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Bizarre anti-piracy promo shown in Japan’s movie theaters

I’ve got a novel idea. Why not send these commercials over to the U.S. to replace the really lame anti-piracy ads we are all forced to watch at the movies now? Watching a small sad Japanese girl cry black tears while an evil voice intimates that our souls are dying due to our reckless downloading is at least entertaining. I mean, isn’t that what you came to the movies for anyway? To be entertained? Of course, this all leads to an obvious question. Why am I, the theater-goer; the guy who has paid for his ticket, his overpriced candy, his overpriced drink; the guy who is anxiously waiting for the endless puke of marketing bullshit to end: the commercial for the local furniture store, the commercial for the newest SUV, the commercial for 1-800-dumbfuckswholovetopayservicefees.com, the Coca-Cola Monthly Indie Short Film Movie Contest Winner and Person least likely to ever be able to get work again Award and of course, “THE 12 SPOT” or whatever that fucking ridiculous 15 minute TV/Movie/Toy/Feminine hygiene product crossover marketing episode-let is called, WHY, OH GOD, WHY am I forced to watch a commercial telling me not to download movies? I’M ALREADY HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS!* Do I have an iBook in my lap running bittorrent, grabbing the latest lame film adaptation of a television show everyone forgot about because it actually sucked? NO! Have I invented a cellphone that can connect to Limewire without a Wi-Fi connection, and tap into the first half of the new Lindsay Lohan flick? NO! Am I modified bionic cyborg from the future who can quickly integrate all forms of media that exist into his thought storage unit within seconds while simultaneously cross-referencing all known data that exists on subjects that apply to that media? Well, there are some questions I just can’t answer. But, regardless, I am begging that the theater-owners of America, at least compromise and bring the sad black-tear crying girl and her dire-voiced companion to the United States. It’s only right that we have a chuckle while you’re assaulting us with needless warnings.

* The realization of this fact was spurred by Rob Zombie on Jon Favreau’s show Dinner for Five and so I cannot take full credit for it. However, if you have never heard of that show, than its all a joke, I thought of the idea first and the preceding was just a lie I concocted to get fans of Rob Zombie to bring me up in a keyword search. Or something like that. Whatever.

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