The Rules of Podcasting

July 9th, 2005

So, before I started out on my journey into the world of podcasting, I felt it was appropriate to set forth a few rules that I would abide by, and rules that other podcasters could embrace, like a newborn child crapping in the palm of your hand for the very first time. It’s glorious, isn’t it? Here you go.

1. The first rule of podcasting is you do not talk about podcasting. At least, don’t podcast about it. Seriously, the results are in and 95% of podcasts are about how to make a podcast. It would be like if you turned on your television and the only shows on were shows about how to make a television show. Do you really believe anybody really cares about how you set up your RSS feed? Or what software you’re using to mix sound with? Keep it to yourself, people. If you’re really interested in informing the masses, write it in your weblog so someone can actually reference it.
2. Don’t trick yourself into believing that you will make any real money with these podcasts. Maybe if you’re podcast is unbelievably good, you’ll make enough to cover the cost of the show. But probably not.
3. Don’t apologize for not doing a show daily/weekly/monthly etc…. This isn’t a professional job. You don’t have to do anything. If the listeners don’t like it, they can stop listening. That’s the beauty of the podcast. One quick unsubscribe and voila, that podcast is persona non gratis for the rest of eternity. Hasta la vista, asshole. If your listeners are actually so retarded that they expect you to apologize whenever you don’t post something every Tuesday or whatever, fuck them. Please. I’m sure they can spend that half hour of their day listening to any of the other 50,000 podcasts out there or playing Donkey Kong on their PSP Nintendo emulator or whatever the hell it is that they do.
4. Please…if you’re going to record a podcast, in which the two central components are a voice and a microphone, do yourself and everyone else a favor – buy a halfway decent mic so you don’t sound like you’re recording in your grandma’s basement even if you are, and try speaking in the wonderful range of sound that your human voice allows. I swear to god, if I have to hear one more monotone, droning, nasally voice telling me the latest ‘tech news’ or ‘movie reviews’ or whatever, I’m going to flat-line right in my fucking car, and drive into the side barrier of the Mass Pike.
5. Addition to the last rule: If you’re going to have more than one person on your podcast, get them a microphone. Or force them to buy one. Or tell them to go home. 3 people + 1 microphone = podcast that sounds like it was recorded through a tape player circa 1986 at summer camp.
6. LABEL YOUR DAMN PODCAST WITH THE CORRECT ID3 TAGS. I think we should all agree that if a file is downloaded with no name and artist information, it will be deleted immediately and the feed will be unsubscribed. There may be some really great shit just waiting to be heard on your fantastic podcast about trip-hop music-boxes for infants, but if the title of the show comes up as ‘aa2372oft4546m$3’, I’m fucking deleting it. Twice. And then I’m going to delete you. And make sure to include the genre as being ‘podcast.’ Not speech. Not vocal. Not jamboree faghags. Just podcast. Please. I really don’t have time to organize my Itunes library every goddamn day because some moron decided his podcast would be best suited for the ‘music audioblog’ genre.
7. No more Skype. Seriously. I don’t care if you’re Johnny Jizzman and the GeekSmart Brigade or the Podfather. It sounds like shit. Seriously, people. I know this is supposed to be a departure from broadcast radio but can we at least try to act like we know what we’re doing. I shouldn’t have to listen for a half an hour to some jackass who sounds like he’s calling in from Singapore on his cell phone with only half a bar and even less battery. These podcasts get deleted immediately. I know I’m not the only one.
8. In time, podcasting will be ruined by the mainstream corporations. It’s inevitable. But if everyone tries their best to be honest about the quality of their show and make it a little bit better, we might be able to stall the end of it all for a short while. Oh wait, Apple just released podcast support. Sorry, too late.
9. This is specifically for those with talk format podcasts. Please, god, please no more obligatory pod”safe” song in the middle of the show for no reason. I mean, a lot of you have obviously chosen the genre of show you want to do because the subject matter interests you. Say that subject is Lasertag. So you go into lengthy detail describing the lasertag news of the week, the newest lasertag equipment, recollections of your old school laser tag days…Just as the 4 lasertag enthusiasts who you were able to fool into subscribing to your show begin to really like what they’re hearing, BLAM, here’s a piece o’ shit podsafe song by the Grilled Cheese Master MC’s…WTF. If I want to hear podsafe music, I’ll tune in to one of the 500,000 podcasts dedicated to podsafe music out there. I tuned in to hear about lasertag, motherfucker! DELETE. That’s what happens. You don’t know it, but it does. (And for the record, I am not a lasertag enthusiast nor have I ever been.)
10. The minds of children are delicate little blossom flowers, that need to be handled softly and cherished, fed with nutritious ideas and encouraged to grow and learn. These minds must be destroyed. Go get ‘em, Tiger.